For the Love of Ramen
by lulusuzakuforlife
Summary: In which Sasuke encounters a ramen loving blonde and gets more than he bargained for.


Note: This story is AU and set in ancient Japan. Kakashi is a lord and the Uchiha clan works for him.

Disclaimer: What can we say? If we owned Naruto, we would've kept Itachi alive and a bastard.

This fanfiction is dedicated to our dear friend J, who graciously agreed to help us decide a title. :]

Chapter 1: Regarding Pervy Lords and Dumb Blondes

Sasuke Uchiha gritted his teeth and took a deep breath, asking himself why exactly he was putting up with this kind of treatment. Kakashi's one visible eye did not stray from the book he was immersed in. Without looking up he said, "I asked you to pour me some more sake."

Picking up the sake bottle, Sasuke resisted the urge to dump the liquid in Kakashi's face. A forced smirk being the best he could do, Sasuke refilled the cup and got up to leave, eager to escape. Why did Kakashi insist on being attended by him? There were plenty of pretty girls in the clan, any of whom would be more than willing to see to every one of the young lord's needs. He placed his hand on the shoji door, ready to leave, when Kakashi added sarcastically, "I need someone to stay with me tonight, I dislike sleeping alone, it's terrifying."

Sasuke heard a popping sound and looked down to find he had managed to punch a hole in the paper walls of the door. He bowed stiffly. "Excuse me my lord, I need to get this door replaced."

He mechanically walked out of the room and took off running at record breaking speed to the outhouse, where he proceeded to empty his stomach of all the meals he had consumed that day.

After informing a servant about the broken door, Sasuke made his way at a snail's pace back to Kakashi's study. He fervently wished that he could just go home and collapse on his futon, but because of this "assignment," he couldn't go home until Kakashi wished to release him. What kind of an assignment was this anyways? His father had told him that the lord was worried about assassins and wanted him as a guard, but that didn't make any sense. Anyone with half a brain would've requested Itachi... Just the thought of his genius brother made him starry-eyed. His brother-complex knew no bounds and he worshiped the ground his brother tread on. Of course, in careful consideration of his own image, he made sure to put on a gruff tone when discussing his brother with others. He wouldn't want any of them to find his secret stash of stalker Itachi pictures after all. Dreamily reliving his last training session with his brother in his mind, Sasuke was shaken out of his daydream by a kunai aimed directly at his forehead. Swiftly sidestepping the attack, he turned around to glare at his attacker.

A young female ninja that Sasuke didn't recognize had drawn another kunai and was about to throw it when Sasuke disarmed her. Training with his big brother had paid off. All of a sudden, another kunai came flying his way. Dodging, Sasuke took a look at his assailant. This time, it was a blonde ninja wearing an....orange outfit. Maybe this was all a dream. Hopefully this was all a dream. Reality couldn't be so screwed up that a ninja would wear an orange outfit. That was almost like saying, "I'm here! Kill me now!!"

"Hey you!" The blond boy announced in an obnoxious loud voice. "Leave Sakura alone, you hear?!"

Sasuke scoffed. "Like you can stop me." Still, he released the struggling girl. She began screaming into his ear about how he was taking her beloved Kakashi-sama away from her. With the orange jumpsuit boy yelling into his other ear, Sasuke reminded himself that eardrums do heal in time...right? How could anyone who makes this much noise be a ninja?! Feeling the onset of a migraine, Sasuke wondered if he could kill these two and say that he perceived them to be a threat to Kakashi's life. They certainly were horrible assassins, but since Kakashi's private guard wasn't rushing towards them, these two must be part of the household. Which meant killing them would be a bad idea. Sasuke sighed and made a mental note to find a jutsu that lets him filter out noise. Perhaps Itachi knew one.

The blonde one took a step back and suddenly grinned. Striking a pose that left multiple holes in his guard, he announced, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki! I'm captain of Kakashi's private guards! Nice to meet you Sasugay!"

Sasuke twitched. "It's Sasuke." With a captain like this, it was a miracle that Kakashi had survived to this day.

The girl finally stopped screaming and cleared her throat. "I'm Sakura," She said formally. "I'm the head physician here. And of course it's only a matter of time before I become the lady of the castle."

Giving Sasuke a disdainful grin, she turned around huffily and walked away, not before tripping on the perfectly flat wooden floor. Somehow, having her as the physician was rather worrying. Was she this clumsy when treating patients too? Sasuke fervently wished that this was all a hallucination. What kind of life would he have for the next couple of months if he had to work with the dumb blonde and a physician who hated him for no good reason? Now that the pink menace was gone and the dumb blonde not saying anything, Sasuke resumed walking to Kakashi's study. He was surprised when Naruto followed. Whistling cheerily, the blonde began jabbering about how Kakashi had hired him when no one else wanted him and how pretty his childhood friend, Sakura, was and how he much wanted to eat ramen. Sasuke wondered silently if the boy had forgotten he had just attacked him. Maybe Naruto was bipolar...and his thought process was incredibly simplistic. How did he get promoted to captain? Ignoring Sasuke's stormy look, they reached the guards quarters. That's when Naruto uttered the fateful words. "Say, your last name's Uchiha right? Does that mean you're related to Itachi? I'm his BIGGEST fan!"

Sasuke resisted the urge to argue that _he_ was Itachi's biggest fan and opted to say, "I'm his little brother."

"Oh wow! Does that mean that you get to train with him? Does he teach you any secret moves? What is he like as a person? As a brother? What is his favorite color? His favorite food? It would be so awesome if he liked ramen too..." the blonde trailed off.

Sasuke clamped his hands over his mouth. Once he got started on an Itachi rant, he didn't stop for hours... No... He must not humiliate himself in front of this idiot. Instead, he tilted his head and smirked. "That's for me and me alone to know. You're not even fit to clean his sandals."

He was frustrated to realize the blonde had restarted his rant about how cool Itachi was without paying attention to him. Naruto stopped to take a breath and blurted out, "Do you think you could introduce me?!"

Sasuke huffed and said, "My brother doesn't have the time to waste meeting you," and stalked off. To his utter despair and embarrassment, the blonde didn't get the hint and stalked after him begging at the top of his lungs. The gods must've been out to spite him today because Kakashi decided to appear at that moment and amusedly said, "He won't stop until you agree. For my peace and sanity, let him meet your brother."

Sasuke begrudgingly agreed, but his foul mood was lightened when the blonde attached himself to Kakashi and very loudly proclaimed his thanks right next to his lord's ear. It darkened again when Kakashi didn't even seem fazed and calmly took out his book again. "Naruto, do send a message to Jiraiya to get me a copy of his newest book when he's done writing it."

Naruto made a face. "That perverted stuff? I have to eat ramen!"

Kakashi's monotone reply was blunt. "Naruto, I only promoted you to captain because of your connections to my favorite author. Don't let me down."

Sasuke revised his impression of Kakashi; he might be the youngest lord in the region, but either he's extremely sure of his safety or he's an idiot. Right now, it seemed more like the latter than the former. The way he always wore a mask and covered one eye was also incredibly shady. The man was probably horribly disfigured underneath or some such. Sasuke bet that brainless girls like Sakura found it mysterious and attractive. As if he could hear Sasuke's thoughts, Kakashi turned to face him. "Weren't you on your way out Naruto?"

Grumbling, Naruto headed out of the room. Swallowing his pride at the prospect of being stuck alone with Kakashi again, Sasuke scurried after him.

"I did not say 'Leave Sasuke' did I?" Kakashi said. "I thought I told you that I found sleeping alone quite frightening. Since I hired you to protect me, it is your job to accompany me through the night right?"

Sasuke shuddered at the lewd tone and desperately tried to think of an excuse. "But wouldn't it be better if the captain of your guard be there instead of me?" At this, Naruto had doubled back into the room and Sasuke thought he heard a little sigh from beneath Kakashi's mask.

"But I do not feel safe if Naruto watches over me. I would rather trust the young Uchiha prodigy to ensure a good night's sleep," Kakashi continued.

Sasuke had to admit the lord had a point. Still, he had no intention of having to stay near Kakashi any more than he had to. Wracking his brain for ideas, he was surprised to find his savior in none other than Naruto. "Kakashi, Shikamaru's here to see you," the blonde said.

Another ninja walked in and bowed before saying, "Kakashi-sama, since Sasuke's new here, maybe it would be better for someone familiar with how things work around here to guard you instead? It's better to let Sasuke get used to the environment before giving him so many responsibilities. I wasn't aware that Kakashi-sama felt so scared, I'm sure Sakura would be more than happy to guard you."

Kakashi blinked lazily. Sasuke looked at the newly arrived Shikamaru with measured respect. There was solid logic in his words. If he was hired by Kakashi then the lord wasn't as stupid as Sasuke had first assumed. He instinctively felt that this was someone he could get along with. Someone who he could actually rely on and talk to. More importantly, someone who can save him from late night encounters with Kakashi. He made a mental note to stick to this Shikamaru fellow as much as possible.

"Anyways," Shikamaru drawled, "Some representatives from the neighboring lords are here to see you. They seem rather agitated. You probably won't be getting much sleep tonight. I'll show Sasuke around. The guests are in your study."

With that, Shikamaru left, dragging Naruto and Sasuke with him. Sasuke wondered if he should thank the new arrival, but Shikamaru answered his thought. "No need to thank me. He's always like this. Last time it was this guy named Neji. He was smart enough to get a job transfer as soon as possible."

A bemused look passed between Naruto and Shikamaru. Sasuke shuddered and fervently prayed that his brother would save him from this torture. Hopefully, he would be called away on another assignment soon. But seeing as the Uchiha clan worked for Kakashi, it was very unlikely that there would be any assignment more important than protecting their lord. Sasuke resigned himself to being slowly driven mad. Kakashi's speedy rise to power was shrouded with many rumors and few facts. At first Sasuke had been passively eager to meet this talented young lord. After entering his service though, Sasuke wouldn't be surprised if he learned that Kakashi had won his position at some drinking game in a local pub.

"Here are your new quarters," Shikamaru said, breaking off Sasuke's train of thought. "My room is to your right and Naruto's right across the hall."

The room was simple, two tatami mats with a desk and a closet. "The bathrooms are down the hall. Kakashi was too stingy to give us each a private bathroom," Naruto broke in.

The blonde looked strangely ethused by the idea of a communal bathroom. Sasuke hoped he was just reading too much into that look in Naruto's eyes. Communal bathrooms make for awkward encounters after all. He walked into his room and shut the doors tightly, hoping the others would get the hint. He needed some alone time to meditate and release the tension his time with Kakashi had created. Sasuke thought longingly of the yoga mat he had (in a rare case of careless forgetfulness) left at the Uchiha mansion. Shikamaru seemed to have understood Sasuke's silent message. Naruto, on the other hand, had no such subtlety. He pushed the sliding doors open. "Wanna come get ramen with me?!"

Faking a polite smile, Sasuke politely declined and tried to shut the door again, but Naruto refused to budge. Frustrated, Sasuke barked, "What?"

He was about to smash Naruto's fingers with the door until he saw the serious look in the blonde's eyes.

"Don't touch Sakura again, or I won't let you live."

Rolling his eyes, Sasuke slammed the door shut, and the blonde's pained howl soothed his foul temper. As if he'd ever go for that crazy woman. Taking a deep breathe, Sasuke proceeded to meditate, letting all noises fade into the background. His first day and he already despised the place and the people. How he longed to be at his big brother's side. Thinking dreamily about Itachi, Sasuke did not even notice when he drifted off into sleepland counting Itachis jumping over a fence.

Chapter 1/End

Authors' Notes:

Well this really started because we needed to write a crackfic to enliven our otherwise dreary existences. Sadly it turned out a bit more OOC and sarcastic than I had expected. Guess it really can't be helped. Slapdash humor isn't quite right for this story...or maybe it is. I'll see what I can make H crank out, err, I mean, what the two of us working together can create. We're pretty fail at writing shonen-ai...probably because we're not actually into shonen-ai...that could be a problem. Maybe. Just maybe. Oh well. We're planning on Sasunaru at this point...and failing miserably. But of course we all know they're fated to be...right?_-Y_

I realized that writing a Naruto fanfic is rather difficult when one reads Naruto for laughs. Maybe we should go read other Naruto fanfiction...It's usually easier when there's something to work off of. Y actually did most of the writing in this chapter....I guess I was being too lazy....just got out of summer school and the fact that it's summer vacation has just set in. My mind's just kinda rotting away right now. Hopefully writing this will keep it from rotting further....but for now, it's been rather unresposive. Oh well, maybe next time. _-H_


End file.
